DS gets sick very often. He doesn't make it to the toilet many times, and that results in me cleaning the bathroom and him in the middle of the night very often. I am a horrible mother at 4 am. I am impatient and unhappy about having to clean everything up and get my son changed and knowing that I am now up for the rest of the night/morning. Either it's sprayed feces or urine depending on what doesn't make it into the toilet. There always seems to be something new too. As of today, my DS either turns around while getting on the toilet or doesn't direct the urine into the toilet when he is sitting...I don't know. But at 4 am today, I stepped into a puddle on my way to take care of him and was not patient because he wanted me to take care of him, but I really need to clean the floor first so that he doesn't get messier than he already is. I wish I were more patient. I wish I could be fresh and sweet and not mind. He can't help it. I'm pretty good when it's not the middle of the night woken from a dead sleep, but the poor kid can't help it. So, that's another prayer for me to be more patient. Of course, praying for patience just gets you more things to have to be patient about. This also interrupts any plans for the rest of the day that I may have because then DS is home from school. In the summer, it doesn't matter as much, but during the year I hesitate to make any plans because I know that they can be cancelled at any moment. I've even had to leave a funeral.
So I'm whining again, and the whole purpose of today's post is supposed to be about making a plan about all the stuff we need to do. So, I wrote down all the stuff we need to fix in the house, tried to form a budget of approximately how much each thing will cost, and then looking for information about how to do it. My sister redid a whole bathroom on her own. There are all sorts of women on television who tackle entire house flips on their own...so I should be able to do it too. It looks awfully daunting to me, though. I'm hoping DH will be able to take some time off to help, and than DS will actually be in school and not sick.
Other things I am doing are reading the Bible every day and praying all the time. I'm trying very hard to trust in God's plan, His timing, His way of doing things. I surrender to Him over and over, wanting Him to make me into who He wants me to be. And then I fail over and over and over again. I ate too much yesterday, I was impatient yesterday and already today, and it's only 5:53 am. I'm not active enough. My house is messy despite working at it every day. I keep underestimating things that I need to budget and feel absolutely overwhelmed because no matter how well I try to budget, we keep getting all these wonderful surprise bills, car problems, stuff that happens in life to everyone, I guess. I get tired of having all the neighborhood kids over all the time because I feel like I can't keep up with what I need to do myself, and then I have extra kids to watch and feed. Of course, if God is sending them to me, then this must be a ministry, and I should be practicing hospitality. The truth is, I often keep the shades down and avoid going outside to try to hide from them. It's awful, I know. Two of them are also ADD/Autistic on top of my own kid, and I feel like I'm giving their parents respite all the time and I don't get any myself. There are days when I send them away, and then I feel guilty because I'm sure that's not what God wants me to do. So, I'm still whining.
My husband and I are always so stressed and tired...we have no babysitter, we have no real time alone. There is no door on the bathroom and our bedroom door is broken. There is no privacy. I'm sure people lived that way for eons, but I still wish I at least had a door I could lock for a little while. DH is exhausted too, and feeling just as down as I am. We were hoping for at least a restful vacation, and we didn't.
Also, my son is all over me all the time when he's home. Constantly snuggling, which I know is a wonderful thing. But I just want to not be touched all the time. I want him to not touch my nose and ear, and flick my hair into my face over and over and over and over and over and over and over again...and lay on me, and drool on me all day... to dive onto me, to lay across me, to interrupt me constantly. Even now I've been up and down getting this or that for him, and his elbow is dug deep into my upper arm.
Nobody wants to hear this, and I have it much better than many, many people, but this is just how I feel right now and pray that God will help me to readjust my attitude. Where is my gratefulness? Where is my worship? This is not who He wants me to be. This is not how I should be.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Monday, August 7, 2017
Monday Weigh In
Well, I was hoping to lose more weight in the first week, but I lost 2 lbs. So, now I only have 113.4 lbs more to lose. At least I didn't stay the same and I didn't gain, so I'm grateful for that. I have not eaten processed sugar for 7 days now.
Today's weather is much like that of Tuesday two weeks ago when I was camping...rainy and a high only in the 60's.
My main goal is not to feel discouraged. This is going to be a long, slow process. The truth is, this whole past year has been discouraging. A little over a year ago, my husband left his job and got another job that paid much less and had terrible benefits. So, for that whole year, we really didn't have enough money to pay the bills. We had no more savings, and the medical bills keep coming because the medical insurance was dismal. The furnace doesn't work, our shades are broken and need to be replaced, the hall bathroom is gutted with no plan of repair right now, the porch needs to be repaired and painted, the side stairs need to be repaired, wasps moved into the sandbox in the yard, our kitchen is not finished, our walls are full of holes from my son putting his head through them, all the doors inside our house are broken and need to be replaced, we have what was gutted from the bathroom lying in the side yard because we have no bulk pickup and no way to get the stuff to the dump, and we still have an autistic kid who has meltdowns often, who has been sick for months at at time over the past year, and we are just so very tired. My husband did finally get a better job...his old job with a raise, but to catch up on everything from the past year is seeming impossible. I finally saved some money, but we needed nearly $3,000 worth of work on our cars, so there went all that money. Our tax returns went to one weekend away at at B&B for Jeff and me to try to keep our relationship strong, and then to paying for bills we'd been sitting on, buying stuff for the kids that they'd needed, and I don't remember what else...some to the cars. I send lunch in for Jeff and Jeffrey every day. We have Tracfones and one step above basic cable. We are on budget payments for oil blend, propane, and electricity. We go camping once a year for $144 for the week. I shop at Aldi's and have a very limited food budget and meal plans. I'm just not sure where to shave anything else off. We've got pretty much everything at a bare minimum and still can't seem to keep our heads above water...right now I'd settle for just our nostrils or at least a snorkel.
I am trying not to think about how unfair things seem and how it seems like everyone else has it easier, because everyone has their own set of problems. To covet is a sin. I am trying to be grateful for all we do have, and not to worry, because God knows what we need, and he promises to provide us with what we need. He says do not be discouraged, do not be afraid. So, I"m going to just trust him and keep plodding along.
Today's weather is much like that of Tuesday two weeks ago when I was camping...rainy and a high only in the 60's.
My main goal is not to feel discouraged. This is going to be a long, slow process. The truth is, this whole past year has been discouraging. A little over a year ago, my husband left his job and got another job that paid much less and had terrible benefits. So, for that whole year, we really didn't have enough money to pay the bills. We had no more savings, and the medical bills keep coming because the medical insurance was dismal. The furnace doesn't work, our shades are broken and need to be replaced, the hall bathroom is gutted with no plan of repair right now, the porch needs to be repaired and painted, the side stairs need to be repaired, wasps moved into the sandbox in the yard, our kitchen is not finished, our walls are full of holes from my son putting his head through them, all the doors inside our house are broken and need to be replaced, we have what was gutted from the bathroom lying in the side yard because we have no bulk pickup and no way to get the stuff to the dump, and we still have an autistic kid who has meltdowns often, who has been sick for months at at time over the past year, and we are just so very tired. My husband did finally get a better job...his old job with a raise, but to catch up on everything from the past year is seeming impossible. I finally saved some money, but we needed nearly $3,000 worth of work on our cars, so there went all that money. Our tax returns went to one weekend away at at B&B for Jeff and me to try to keep our relationship strong, and then to paying for bills we'd been sitting on, buying stuff for the kids that they'd needed, and I don't remember what else...some to the cars. I send lunch in for Jeff and Jeffrey every day. We have Tracfones and one step above basic cable. We are on budget payments for oil blend, propane, and electricity. We go camping once a year for $144 for the week. I shop at Aldi's and have a very limited food budget and meal plans. I'm just not sure where to shave anything else off. We've got pretty much everything at a bare minimum and still can't seem to keep our heads above water...right now I'd settle for just our nostrils or at least a snorkel.
I am trying not to think about how unfair things seem and how it seems like everyone else has it easier, because everyone has their own set of problems. To covet is a sin. I am trying to be grateful for all we do have, and not to worry, because God knows what we need, and he promises to provide us with what we need. He says do not be discouraged, do not be afraid. So, I"m going to just trust him and keep plodding along.
Camping
This is the fourth year we've gone camping. There's always something difficult...the first year, which was very new to my DS who has autism, was the most difficult. That year he banged his head so hard into my car that he broke a headlight. He also hit me in the head repeatedly so that I started to vomit. The second year, DS urinated all over the inside of the tent including everything in the tent, so I had to spend one whole day at the laundromat. The third year we were completely broke that I didn't bring many new activities for the kids to do, and we couldn't go and do things around the area. The kids got bored, and we left a day early. This year, it poured for four of the five days we were there. On the fourth day, DS got his finger stuck in the car door, so we went home early again. The day we packed was the nicest day all week. We wound up missing the urgent care hours anyway, and by the next day his finger looked okay, so we left early for nothing. We were tired from being wet and cold all week. In fact, on Tuesday, the high only got up to 63, so we were wearing fleece on July 25. But, we had some nice family time, and it was nice to be out in nature. Also, they built a new playground at the campground, and that was the biggest hit. In between rainstorms, we had some campfires and some snuggles. DD's hippo Harry went everywhere with us. Soon we are planning to visit his brother William at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
DS loves camping now, and is generally very relaxed the whole time, which in itself is a major blessing. I hope next year is better. It's a cheap vacation, and just about all that's in our budget for now.
DS loves camping now, and is generally very relaxed the whole time, which in itself is a major blessing. I hope next year is better. It's a cheap vacation, and just about all that's in our budget for now.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Marathon
Well, once again I am embarking upon a marathon. I have 115.4 lbs to lose. That's a lot. It's a daunting number. I have no desire to undergo surgery. Over the past year, I have tried to follow a 1200 calorie diet, and I have failed miserably. I also started eating sugar again, which was a terrible idea. I also haven't been to the gym. True, this year has been really tough. However, that's just an excuse. So, I have decided that it's time to take care of myself. All my joints hurt and I have no energy.
This first week I stopped eating sugar again. The withdrawal was tough the first few days, but now I feel much better. I upped my calories to 1600, which is a one pound per week loss, according to My Fitness Pal. That is much more doable than the 1200 calorie level. It's so discouraging to fail day after day at calorie intake, so then I give up. That's a really bad idea. One pound per week would mean that in two years I will be ten pounds from my goal weight.
The only times I'm ever successful at losing weight is when I do it with God. When I give Him my sugar addiction, when I pray for Him to help me with temptation, when I surrender to Him, then it works. When I want to give in, I don't bother to pray because I don't want him to stop me. Also, I don't want food to be my god. I want to remember to always turn to Jesus when things are tough, and to pray instead of eat. I am wearing my Fit Bit and trying to stay active and get the house clean.
Last year has been really hard. However, it's time to stop looking back. Right now, today, this minute...what is a healthy thing to do? Just keep going one moment to another with God. Praying for that lamp to my feet and that light to my path...a little circle of light as from a lantern. Anything I come to He will get me through.
So, here I go again.
This first week I stopped eating sugar again. The withdrawal was tough the first few days, but now I feel much better. I upped my calories to 1600, which is a one pound per week loss, according to My Fitness Pal. That is much more doable than the 1200 calorie level. It's so discouraging to fail day after day at calorie intake, so then I give up. That's a really bad idea. One pound per week would mean that in two years I will be ten pounds from my goal weight.
The only times I'm ever successful at losing weight is when I do it with God. When I give Him my sugar addiction, when I pray for Him to help me with temptation, when I surrender to Him, then it works. When I want to give in, I don't bother to pray because I don't want him to stop me. Also, I don't want food to be my god. I want to remember to always turn to Jesus when things are tough, and to pray instead of eat. I am wearing my Fit Bit and trying to stay active and get the house clean.
Last year has been really hard. However, it's time to stop looking back. Right now, today, this minute...what is a healthy thing to do? Just keep going one moment to another with God. Praying for that lamp to my feet and that light to my path...a little circle of light as from a lantern. Anything I come to He will get me through.
So, here I go again.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
My Spot is Burning...Ellenville is on Fire
I haven't posted in ages. There is a wildfire burning in Ellenville, which is where Sam's Point is, which is the picture on my blog title. I'm so sad about this. I know it's natural, and that there will be renewal, but it was started by someone deciding to burn their own brush during a fire weather warning. What an idiot. Please God, protect the animals, all the babies in the trees who are dying because they can't get away from the fire. Please God, protect the people and their homes. Please let the fire go out quickly. Please send some rain.
Amen.
Amen.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Blessed
Well, it's been a long while. Those neighbors were, of course, a blessing in disguise. They moved us to get out of that apartment and look for a house. With help from my Mom, we purchased a mobile home. Both kids have their own rooms, they have a big yard to play in, a porch where we can listen to the rain fall on the tin roof, and state land behind the house where we fly kites and skip stones in the creek. We have lovely neighbors, and we're so much happier. We've made so many new friends thanks to God and the grace he's given us through our son. Through our weakness and need for help, he has brought so many people into our lives...those who have helped us, and those who we were able to help. God is good.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Neighbor Problems
Despite my telling my downstairs neighbors when they were moving in that my son is autistic and apologizing ahead of time for his not sleeping and his head banging, they are not understanding. I feel bad that my son is noisy, but if there were something I could do, I would have done it.
Our son's behavioral therapist suggested that we put a radio in his room to help him to sleep. Unfortunately, last night he was playing with it in the middle of the night and turned it up loud. As soon as we heard it, we turned it off. I've since removed the radio, which he's very upset about. It's not like we were having a party or it was on for a long time. It's also a little radio, not a big sound system or something, so it wasn't THAT loud.
Ugh. I just hope they don't make our lives miserable by trying to get us evicted or filing a lawsuit or calling the police or something. I wrote a letter of explanation even though it's none of their business, just to be nice. I'm trying to take the high road. I scanned a copy of the letter he wrote and the reply I wrote so I can show it to someone if I need to. I may bring it down to the office just to be proactive in case they file a complaint. One of the people who works in the office used to live in their apartment, so they know exactly what it's like to live there, and they were very kind and understanding of our situation. Not these folks.
Well, I guess we'll just pray for them.
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